There are so many people who were badly physically and sexually abused as children. I am not one of those people. I wasn't beaten by my parents (although my brother was vicious in his attacks) and there was never any inappropriate sexual behaviour. But I was mentally and emotionally abused and my physical, mental and emotional needs were severely neglected. What is more I am now 48 and my family still believe that I am worthless and stupid and that the abuse they have contined to heap on me is appropriate. I am criticised for withdrawing from the abusive relationships and regarded as even more worthless now that I have no function as an emotional punch bag. I need to say these things to find a way to work through them and also to see if anyone else out can relate to my experiences and provide mutual support.
Now, I'm sure that you're thinking, what a whiner. Here we go, another misunderstood teenager. But no. My life was terrible and traumatic and I have spent the last 13 years climbing out of the mental illness hole. On the outside I am passionate, loving, creative, hard working, well balanced and incredibly kind. On the inside I am scared, scarred, miserable and very, very unloved. This, despite the fact that I have the most loving and supportive of partners, friends who call me an angel and an amazing person. I have clients who call me a Godsend and a miracle worker. But I had and still have a family who think I am worthless and whose greatest pleasure in life is to make fun of my many physical ailments in a way that would be worthy of legal prosecution if said to a stranger. How does this professional graduate, who only ever wanted to love and be loved, recover from having been so very, very unloved?
This is the purpose of my blog. It won't be every day, but it will be theraputic and hopefully helpful to other people to see how I fare. In my next post I will tell the story of the Little Girl Who Wasn't Loved. For now the sun is shining so I will try to enjoy what remains of the day.
God bless.
